‘I Hated Her’
What Self-Loathing (And Deliverance From It) Really Looks Like — Part 1
Shalom Harlow and Amber Valletta.
The 90’s supermodel power-duo.
To say I used to idolize them is an understatement.
I knew their (and every other supermodel’s) stats in fine detail. I knew what they weighed, how tall they were, what their workouts were, what they ate, what they ate for ‘cheat’ snacks, their hacks to stay slim and which designers they worked with.
After I stopped growing in my high school years, standing at 5 foot 6 inches tall, I would never grow to be the 5 ft 9" height most modelling agencies required. Oh how I longed for that one minor detail in my genetics to come around.
I actually never knew my genetics at that time in my life, I was adopted as a little one.
I grew up with two tall, thin, blonde, stunning sisters and I was the short, chubby, ‘athletic’, ‘solid’, ‘muscular’, ‘big-boned’ 60’s Scoopee with brown-hair and brown-eyes.
They fit the ideal of what I longed for and I didn’t…and I would never come close.
Tall, thin, bony, long hair, smooth clear skin, elongated limbs, a bright and beautiful teethy smile…the features that runways, popular media and agencies admired…none of those I had or would ever have.
I simply wasn’t born with any of it.
With the exception of the South Sudanese-British model Alec Wek, having rounded cheeks in the modelling industry of the 90’s was a big no-no…
…there went another big red X to add to the list.
I have spider veins on my legs and they started in highschool. I’m naturally vascular all over and my veins are noticeable everywhere. My hair is naturally curly — frizzy rather— on the drier side, thin and it doesn’t really grow past my shoulders. I have big cheeks and a squareish smile. I didn’t suffer from acne as a teen but I had/have freckles (which weren’t a popular feature back then).
Even when I was anorexic and a mere 80 pounds laying in that pediatric hospital bed, I barely produced the coveted thigh gap.
My fingers are short and nubby. I instantly carry any weight I gain around my midsection and face…never my boobs though (when I had them both). I most definitely do not have an hourglass figure and I was ‘blessed’ with a long torso and short legs which is an amazing combo that makes buying and wearing any kind of cute romper or jumpsuit nearly impossible. During my bodybuilding days, I had to put extra effort into building my glutes that would help shape my genetic Indian flat butt.
I always thought my eyes were too small and too close together. My nails don’t grow long, I have big calves and a natural tire section under my belly button that barely went away even when I hit the stage for my figure competition. I have too much chub around my armpit area and I always thought my ears were too big for my head. I have a double chin, wider feet, short eyelashes and uneven eyebrows.
People used to say I looked like Punky Brewster. I hated that. I wanted to look like Cindy Crawford or Kate Moss. Heck, I would have even been okay with Winnie Cooper…but Punky Brewster?
To this day, that name still makes my hurting inner child cringe…just a little.
From about 8 years old — all I saw was ugly, all I saw was fat.
To Be Continued…
-Becky
