Today I am behind on a few things…actually make that a lot of things. It’s just one of those days.
‘Old’ Becky would have been completely stressed out for not being able to meet certain deadlines and would have felt like a complete failure because of her need for control and self-imposed perfectionistic ideals. She would have had a lot of anxiety about not getting everything done.
Due in part to quite literally being in survival mode for many years and a few other factors, my body spent a looonnnngg time in perpetual fight or flight mode. If you know anything about all that stuff…it is a very unhealthy state to be in for any significant length of time.
My cortisol levels were through the roof, sleep eluded me, my heart pounded a lot and I always felt like I had butterflies in my stomach (it’s called GAD…Generalized Anxiety Disorder).
It’s not like I was anxious with negative worries and fretful thoughts all the time…my body just physically could not relax. Because it spent years in overdrive and because it had spent years recovering from surgeries, medicines, cancer and was fighting a (unknown at the time) connective tissue disease, it didn’t know how to chill.
I hated being in that state. I don’t hate many things but I hated those terrible and scary feelings and empathize a great deal with anyone who deals with anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive behaviours and overthinking. I am also extremely grateful of not having to cope with that anymore…at least at this time, for a long time now. I tried to do and tried to learn everything in my power to break free of that prison and am so glad I persevered.
Thankfully, ‘These days’ Becky is a much different person.
I have been a student of self-improvement since 9th grade. When I first read that kind of book, I was 14 years old and the book was called ‘Love’ by Leo Buscaglia. Since then, there almost hasn’t been a moment when I’m not listening, reading or watching something that helps me grow or learn. Lately though, I have been making an attempt to balance things out a bit. Too much of anything is never ideal.
Funny how when you become aware of something that you know you need to do or change you come across other people doing the same thing. I read recently that Tim Ferris (one of my favs) had the same problem. He had to intentionally stop reading personal development books and committed himself to reading and watching some fiction instead.
So to that my point is, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not hit every deadline and mistakes will inevitably happen. It’s okay to just chill.
I saw a hilarious post the other week saying something along the lines of (and I’m paraphrasing), “ I do my best editing after I have posted”. As a writer, no truer words have been spoken! I will continue to make grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, technical screw-ups and not meet deadlines…but oh well. I’m here doing my best and that is all anyone can ask of themselves.
Tomorrow is a new day and, God willing, I will be able to wake up and take it head on!